These Advice given by A Father Which Saved Me as a New Parent

"In my view I was merely trying to survive for a year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of fatherhood.

But the reality rapidly turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her main carer in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.

The direct phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You must get support. In what way can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a larger reluctance to open up amongst men, who often absorb damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright time and again."

"It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to take a respite - spending a short trip away, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Even with having an "amazing" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your partner or a therapist what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, socialising or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their stories, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their pain, transformed how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."